Heart pain

It has been really long since I felt this ache and pain in my heart. No one can feel what I feel, no one can understand how I feel and no one knows what I am going through right now. I am extremely vulnerable now, and I am really very weak.

I love my friends who hugged me after knowing what happened. I love my friends for asking me to cheer up when they see me so sad and down. I love my friends for confiscating my book once they knew I had a fever and cold so that I can stop studying. I love my friends for offering to stay up late with me, just to make sure I will not do stupid things. I love my friends who offered to give me a 24/7 phone call service, so that I can call them whenever I am on the verge of breaking down.

I was never this hardworking to stay up late almost everyday to do my projects and assignments. I admit, I was mugging so hard because I wanted to get my mind off this matter. Yet, no matter how hard I try, I feel more and more helpless, useless and more depressed. I feel like I have lost something very precious in my life.

Sometimes, I feel like giving up and stop what I am doing now, and to spend more time with you, just a few days before you literally disappear from my life. We were not that close like others out there, but I know things will be different once you're gone.

Maybe, it's true that I don't know how to cherish, and like typical human beings, I have only learnt to cherish someone whom is SUPPOSED to be loved by me, only after I know that he will be gone pretty soon.

If I can rewind time, I would, but we were never given that chance. I hate these few days especially when I go to school alone in the bus, because I shed secret tears when I think of you. It is proven that I must be occupied with something, if not my mind will wander off to ugly thoughts and tears will start rolling down my cheeks again.

I am sorry to show my weak side to some of my classmates yesterday, when I cried in the library (again). If keeping myself occupied until I can really sleep helps, I will do it just to forget all these unhappy thoughts even if I will fall sick someday.

I know I cannot act tough anymore. It is hard, I swear. It is no doubt that acting tough is a talent and I have no such talent. I know I will break down soon, if not today...

If only I can convince myself that what you told me today was true. You didn't lie, did you?