I am an orphan

I really and truly envy people who have a complete family and a still-together-parents.

I feel jealous when I see a 'complete' family having dinner together at some coffeeshop. I really envy them. I wonder how is this feeling like because I have long forgotten it. I envy those children who feel loved by their father. I wonder how is this feeling like because I have never experience it myself.

It hurts me, it truly does. It hurts to see my father having to go to jail and despite me telling my mum that I feel sad about it, she scolded me and told me to never ever regard him as my father again. She said I HAVE NO BRAINS AND I AM STUPID TO FEEL SAD ABOUT IT.

If what she does is correct, I am sorry, but the definition of 'mother' doesn't exist that way in my dictionary/vocabulary.

As usual, her rebuttal is "You tell me who earn money for you? Who help you pay your school fees? Who feed you? Who buy clothes for you? I do so much for you and you don't even know how to appreciate, only know how to side your father. I regret giving birth to you".

Yeah, I call this the TRUMP CARD SENTENCE.

Try as I might, I don't see how a normal human being can just pretend not to hear these words and not take them to heart. I don't even see how relevant this sentence is to the situation we're in now and all she does, is to slap me and use this stupid trump card sentence.

If you were in my situation, do you have the urge to argue back?

So what if she has been the one who has taken care of me all these years? SO WHAT? I don't even care if she has taken care of me because she doesn't play the role of a mother. She acts like some caretaker who takes care of children without love and care.

I told her I am stress and sad because my father has to go to jail, she replied "So?" Okay, fine. If you don't care about how I feel, stop complaining that I am not opening up to you.

I told her that the vandalism outside our house wasn't by a loanshark, but my father's friend, and my mum merely slapped me just because of the sentence I made. I was only repeating what my father said to me, I didn't say I believe it or anything.

I don't even think loansharks are that kind enough to vandalise our walls with a marker instead of paint.

I don't see why does she have the rights to not let me visit my father when he goes to jail. He's MY father, not hers. I don't see why I have to hate my father just because she does. Your divorce with him isn't my problem, it's yours. I don't see why I can't be stress or sad over it when my brain isn't hers.

I swear, I'll not go home tomorrow if she goes overboard.

From now on, I'll not only psycho and tell myself that I don't have a father, I'll also tell myself that I don't have a mother.

Yes, I am a newborn orphan.