Never expect more

I've posted many many things at one shot. I posted about 2011 in a nutshell and I realised every main event that happened was good. But as I read my post again, I realised I've left out the painful moments. I posted about the people I am thankful for. And then, I realised that I've not really reflected on 2011.

I would say 2011 was good. We were all introduced to new lives after we got our GCE O level results. Like I said, my results were pathetic and I was disappointed much. I guess many people felt that way too. But, that's life. We deserve what we achieve because of the effort and hard work we put in. And in April, we started on our polytechnic life. That was the very first time I met my classmates. I hung out with people whom I'm not really hanging out with now. It's pretty funny because I realised that's how my first day of school always seem to end up like this. My first few friends I hung out with will never ever be close to me as time passes. Weird, but true. But yes, I am really thankful for having such a class. They are indeed wonderful people. We went through all the good and bad times together. Our class is known to have many conflicts too. But then, which class doesn't?

And my relationship failed badly that year. It made me think a lot. I've come to realise that I've been lying to myself and the others when I always say 'I'm okay' or 'I've let go' in August or September. Who am I kidding? How can someone let go of a relationship that quickly when all expectations fail? And yes, I am thankful for everyone around me. My friends were there for me. Some of them are like strangers to me, but their words really comforted me. It actually made me realise how sympathetic humans actually are. It also made me change my opinion on some of my friends. This incident has taught me how judgmental I actually was. Truthfully speaking, this relationship has made me fall so hard. I'm always someone who's believes greatly in love. I believe that everyone has a partner in their lives because God has created our stories like this. But I just have no idea why I stopped believing in this. The change in me scared me a lot because what I believe now is that no one will accept me for who I am. Sad but true. I'd rather die alone than going through relationships which will eventually fail because they can't accept my past.

But I guess I still have that glimpse of hope. I believe strongly that maybe one day, a guy will change my mindset because he'll show me how great love is. But that's... wishful thinking, isn't it? :/ So yes, I'll never ever fight for love again. Sigh.

And reading my past diaries recently made me realise how much I've grown in 2011 alone. I've grown into a more matured person. I won't say I am matured now. I am still very immature. I'm just saying that I've grown a little more mature. I laugh hard when I read my previous entries because they seem to portray a more naive me. It's funny how I always believe that I am in love within a few weeks or months when that is actually not the case. But it's really incredible how feelings can actually develop into love within a short period of time. And I guess I used to be a very selfish person. Maybe I don't consider what others want. All I care was about myself. I don't know if I am still like that. But if I am like that, I'll change. And I've been more reflective. I reflect on my doings and my life and I'm doing my best to change to someone better.

Recently, I've let go of my hatred for a particular someone too. I won't say it's easy. It is really difficult to put down everything and to continue my life with new expectations and hopes. But once I've let go of the hatred, I feel incredibly happy. It's really a wonder how negative thoughts can really put you in darkness for that long and the positive thoughts could put you in bright light.

I wouldn't say I'm expecting much from 2012. I strongly believe that the world won't end in 2012 because no one will know of this. But I'm going to live my life like it's going to end. I'll enjoy, love and live life to the fullest. I know I'll learn more from life as I let go of my burden, sorrows and my past. After all, how can we go to the next chapter if we keep re-reading the previous chapters?