A visit to a place I hated a lot

28th October 2011♥

The place was huge and unique. It was unique in the sense that it is different from other clinics I’ve been to. If I bring a friend along, he or she might not even remember that they are in a clinic. The clinic was unusual. It was so run-down and it was a real monstrosity. The first time I went into the clinic was with my mum. It was located somewhere at Little India, where not many people will pass by. I guess I know the reasons for being so isolated. The thing that caught my attention were the patients. Almost everyone was staring at me as I stepped in, probably because I was the youngest patient. I swear, I felt like running out of this horrid place

My first consultation was the worst of the worst. My doctor was a female doctor. She looked about the age of 40. She was an Indian lady. I’m not trying to be racist or anything by mentioning she is an Indian. I just want to make this point because she was the first Indian doctor I had. The remarks she made were not welcomed at all. She made it seem like I was a burden to her workload, and that really made me questioned about the responsibility of a doctor. And, she made my mother cry a lot. After going for my very first and painful treatment on that day, I was brought to a room for counselling.

The room was filled with bright colours and stuffed toys. It made me feel like I was a child once again. The counsellor was a very nice lady. She was very patient with me although she knew I was lying through my teeth all the time. I can’t help but to lie, because every little secret has to be kept safe with me.

My mum and I left the clinic, both in tears. She couldn’t stop blaming herself for the state I was in in 2009. And I could only helplessly watch her cry because I knew that my words are not able to calm her down. But still, she could see that I was feeling uncomfortable and helpless as well, and that stopped her crying further. She would then try to talk to me about other topics.

That was in 2009. The reason why I hadn’t visited the clinic again because I knew history will repeat itself. I don’t want other patients to stare at me like I was an alien to them. I didn’t want the doctor to give hurtful remarks when I feel that their job is to only treat patients. I didn’t want to go for any more painful treatments. I didn’t want to see my mother hurt again. I really hate this place.

As much as I tried to avoid this place, my mum brought me back to the clinic today. We took a cab there because it’s been a long time since we went back. We forgot which bus to get there. The journey was extremely long and painful, literally. All those painful memories returned and I couldn’t help but to secretly cry in the cab.

Once we reached the clinic, almost everyone was staring at me again. I was the youngest, and I was the only girl there. All the men were really old. The youngest man I saw was about in his thirties. The wait for my consultation felt like a year. I kept playing with my fingers because I was afraid of many things. Surprisingly, my mum just held my hands and told me to not be afraid.

Finally, they called number 28 and I went into the consultation room with my mum. The doctor was a Caucasian lady. And again, it was my first time having such a doctor. The only difference is that Doctor Allison Ward was a very nice and understanding lady.

But, history was repeating itself again.

I had a new enemy in my body. My mum and I ended up in tears and she started blaming herself once again. All I could do was to watch Dr. Ward assuring my mum that I'll be fine. I am, honestly, as worried as my mum. I don't mind going for many painful treatments just to cure myself because I don't want to see my mum being sad.

As much as I tried to not keep that worried look on my face, my mum knew that I was feeling really sad. Instead of worrying like me, my mum was the one who put up a brave front and cheered me up.

I took a longer time to cheer myself up and face the world again. I am really broken inside and maybe, even on the outside. But after thinking about many things, I thought that the visit wasn't that bad. At least I knew the cause, and I got to understand my mother's love for me. I decided to look at my life positively, no matter what the medical report will be.