My latest post about my father miraculously disappeared on the very next day after I posted. Before I turned off my laptop, I checked my blog to make sure that the post published successfully. Shortly after, I felt guilty and wondered if blogging all the secrets of my dad and my family was the right thing to do. I prayed and asked God for a sign. The very next day, my post disappeared from my blog and surfaced on the drafts page. I thought of re-posting it, but I realised the post was suddenly cut by half. My 'essay' became shorter and lost its significance, and so I decided to just delete it.
That is a sign from God right?
Anyway, I think I have recovered and thought it through. I might be luckier than some because my father is still alive and kicking. I might be luckier than some because my father doesn't abuse me. I might be luckier than some because my father doesn't rape me. I might be luckier than some because my father still bothers to contact us after my parents' divorce.
But to think of it, the hardest thing to accept is that I have a father who doesn't love me. Some may lose their dads, but at least their dads loved them before they went away. It doesn't matter if I am alone without a father but the idea of living the past 18 years of my life without a father's love kills me.
It's a choice for him to choose to love us or not, but he chose a choice that I hated the most.
That's it. I've been giving him chances to prove otherwise but he doesn't want to do anything. And so, that's it. But my conscience tells me to give him chances and chances again. Yes, I was frustrated at first, but I guess all I could only do is to give him chances time and time again and to accept him for who he is. Maybe, a miracle will be done one day.
And to the person who formspring-ed me, thank you for your words. I apologise for not replying on formspring because I've decided to close my account soon. All I can say to you is to stay strong. Live life, love life and enjoy your life as much as you can. May all the goodness come to you. I will keep you and others who are hurt this way in prayers. (=
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